SIGNALS

My plan for world domination is simple: vacuum cleaners. Of course, as with any fiendishly clever plan, mine has certain nuances. And although it does not involve laser beams, piranha, or secret lairs inside volcanoes, I think you will agree that my plan is quite diabolical.

First, I will create a company with a cute, friendly name. Then I will build: vacuum cleaners; a web browser, search engine, and video-sharing website; a smartphone operating system used by 70 percent of all smartphones; mapping software with tremendously detailed maps, satellite photos, and street views; real-time road information for drivers showing things like roadside hazards; and voice-assisted smart speakers, webcams, and other smart home devices like doorbells and thermostats.

Next, I will interconnect all my vacuum cleaners. After that, I will know when you wake up, how warm your bedroom is, who you are texting, what you are streaming, where you drive your car, what you search for, the web pages you view, and so on. If I lack any other personal data, such as credit card information, I simply buy it. I obtain an amazingly accurate picture of your life.

Finally, I monetize you. Of course, I anticipate obstacles. One of those obstacles is people known as audiophiles and videophiles. For me, audio and video content are merely Trojan Horses for collecting data. You can tell a lot about a person from the music they listen to and the movies they watch. Honestly, I don’t really care about things like picture quality or audio fidelity. As long as the picture is visible and the sound is audible, I maintain that users shouldn’t be concerned either. Actually, people’s indifference to audio and video quality is an important part of my plan. Specifically, I want people to consume audio and video on their phones because they always have their phones with them, whereas they are only rarely in a home theater.

For me, audio and video content are merely Trojan Horses for collecting data.

Perversely, ‘phile people specifically care about the quality of the sound and picture. I really can’t wrap my mind around that. Consider a movie displayed on a television. The movie was developed to make money. The TV and speakers were developed to make money. The content was broadcast or streamed to make money. This is all just a vehicle for commerce. And yet, these ‘phile people for some reason are obsessed with how the picture looks and the quality of the sound. When they watch a movie on Blu-ray, they ignore plot, acting, and directing, and instead focus on the color temperature of their display, and whether their subwoofer should be crossed over at 100 or 120 Hz. Madness.

Even worse, many of these people insist on using dumb audio and video technology. To me, dumb technology is as welcome as a crucifix is to a vampire. How on earth can I monetize dumb? How do I connect my vacuum cleaner to your turntable? How do I log the tracks you play on a Compact Disc player? How do I monitor a television that is not connected to the internet? People using dumb devices are deeply frustrating to me. You’ll notice how I cleverly picked the nomenclature: your devices are “dumb” whereas mine are “smart.”

Of course, I have anticipated this small pocket of AV enthusiast resistance. Thus, I plan to demonize ‘philes. I will show that monster power amplifiers and big screens are energy hogs. I will assert that, thanks to my promotion of small screens on my smartphones and the tiny drivers in my smart speakers and earbuds, energy demand has become static after decades of insatiable increases. In contrast, ‘philes are selfishly trashing the planet. Think I’m kidding? I will claim that, on average, 4K Ultra HDTVs consume 13 percent more energy than regular HDTVs. Thus, if you buy a new TV, you are a bad person. Or, I will simply ridicule home theaters for being old-fashioned — that attack never fails.

In the end, ‘phile people and the mentality they engender will be overcome. People will accept and welcome my smart technology because of its overwhelming convenience, its coolness and correctness, and because of the all-encompassing confluence of my plan. Sit back for a minute and listen. Do you hear that giant sucking sound? That is the sound of money whooshing into my bank account. And do you hear that other, softer whooshing sound? That is the sound of your soul being ignominiously sucked up into the Cloud. Which, by the way, is also part of my plan.