CES 2014

All these years I've been reviewing headphones, and I thought the point was how they sounded. How wrong I was. Stockholm company Happy Plugs has re-educated me on the definition of earbud. According to their philosophy, headphones are "the most contemporary fashion detail of them all."

And now I (and you) can take part in that fashion revolution by getting hand-molded, 18-karat solid gold earbuds. You read that correctly. 18-karat solid gold. Earbuds. Who cares about sound isolation when you can have something that weighs as much as one of Mr T's necklaces jammed into your ears? It's amazing. I haven't heard them yet, but I can't wait to see if they'll let me even hold them. Why? Because I buy off the rack (gasp!) am relatively shifty looking, and these "earbuds" cost $14,500.

What does $14,500 US get you, you ask? Well, for starters, the exact same drivers and claimed frequency response as these $30 earbuds. Before you say they look exactly the same as the $14,500 ones, zip it! They're so not. Yes, they are by the same company, and yes, they use the same electronic insides, and yes, they are both golden and shiny. But they are completely different. You see, the "golden" $30 headphones are for someone who just wants to listen to their music and feel a little special and fun while doing it. The 18k gold headphones are for someone who desperately needs you to know that fashion and opulence and labels are all that matter. See? Huge difference. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a shoe fitting to attend.