Exclusive: Insider Tour of Lirpa Labs

Every audio and video gearhead is familiar with the world-famous Lirpa Labs. We can count, using many of the fingers on our hands, the number of wonderful Lirpa products we have owned over the years. Whether you have an average IQ allowing you to recite the alphabet from A to Z, or a super IQ and can recite it from Z to A, only a few people can truly comprehend the genius of Lirpa. Yes, indeed.

Obviously, many Lirpa products are puzzling. Some are clearly devoid of functionality. And, of course, a good many of them are unsafe. But leading scientists tell us that men, and I am speaking of those among us with both an X and a Y chromosome, are inherently attracted to unstable and dangerous things. For example, putting a needle on an LP record. That takes balls.

You know those bobble-head dolls? That described me as I recently enjoyed an exclusive tour of Lirpa Labs. Walking through the company’s vast underground research facility/mushroom farm, my head literally wobbled as I walked past shelves of secret prototypes and surplus gluten. I later learned that visitor head wobbling is typical because the Lirpa “radiation suits” are, in fact, old Halloween costumes. That also explains why I look like Spiderman in all of my selfie photos.

The highlight of the tour was the opportunity to meet Professor Lirpa himself. Although I get that chance every spring, it is always quite an honor. Removing his goggles with their trademark inch-thick lenses, he gazed at me and perhaps recognized that a human being, or a large spider, was standing before him. Then he put his goggles back on, which unfortunately greatly limits his visual perception.

“Evolution, my little friend! Revolution without the R! The Japanese have a vending machine that takes selfies! They know a thing or two." — Professor Lirpa

To maintain the frantic pace of his global business, the professor drinks ten 5-Hour Energy drinks every hour. The cumulative effect is staggering. The man accomplishes more in one morning than I would accomplish in my entire lifetime as well as my next dozen reincarnated lifetimes if I believed in that sort of thing, which I don’t. Also, his speaking speed is very, very brisk. By setting my Sony Walkman Pro on fast-forward and pressing the head against the tape, I could record his comments and then replay them at normal speed. If you are too young to know what a Sony Walkman Pro is, you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. Anyway, here are Professor Lirpa’s comments (edited for clarity, structure, and meaning).

“Evolution, my little friend! Revolution without the R! The Japanese have a vending machine that takes selfies! They know a thing or two. And thus I show you the Lirpa Model X Receiver. Observe the built-in camera, available 24/7 except on April 1. My lawyers wouldn’t permit it. Practical jokes, lawsuits, SWAT teams—that sort of thing. Don’t you understand? The world’s first A/V receiver that takes selfies! Zuckerberg isn’t taking my calls anymore—this will break the Internet. And a phono input! Ha!

“Look! Up there! My next In-Your-Face-Thomas-Edison product! An ordinary drone, right? No! The Lirpa Model A Drone! It follows you around and broadcasts your every move to a worldwide audience. Now you have my attention! But wait! There’s more! On board is an atomic-powered audio playback system. ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ at 130 decibels! Napalm scented no extra charge! Are you a spy? Who sent you? Did you drive yourself here, or did your car drive you? Am I going to have to detain you indefinitely?”

As I pulled myself through the bars in my window and lowered myself by a makeshift rope made of bedsheets, I said to myself, “Wow—this is a lot easier when you’re wearing a Spiderman costume.” Yes, indeed.