Signals

It may surprise you to learn that yesterday was not the past, and tomorrow will not be the future. In fact, it is the opposite. Yesterday will be the future, and tomorrow was the past. I would not make such a bold claim unless I have proof. And I have proof.

We are equipped with five senses: Sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch. The thought of losing any of them is frightening. Setting aside the question of aging, even the thought of only diminishing any of our senses is unsettling. So, the question is, if a faulty product caused you to suffer an impairment of one of your senses, what kind of compensation would be appropriate?

You mow your own grass. You shovel your own driveway. You make your own granola. You grind your own coffee beans. You chop your own firewood. You change your own oil. You reload your own ammo. You make your own vacuum tubes. Wait. What?

For reasons we'd rather not discuss here, it's 4 AM and you're driving to Ellijay. Cold rain turning to snow. And you're hungry. Everything's closed. Then you spot the familiar yellow sign. You know 'em. You love 'em. It's a Waffle House. Turn signal, brake lights.

I know, I know. You already have plenty to worry about. And I hate to do this to you. But, as a professional “journalist,” it is my sworn duty to deliver content that gives people sleepless nights. So, I present to you, The Buzzer. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

So, it's come to this. New TVs will have a sticker to verify that they can't be hacked. Or, maybe they can be hacked. We're not sure. The logo in the illustration isn't some goofy thing I cooked up to punk you. It is a genuine logo, backed by the full faith and credit of the U.S. Government. So you know it's a good thing.