Ken C. Pohlmann

What does a roaring fire, crispy bacon, a rainy day, and an LP record have in common? I'll give you a moment to ponder that. Meanwhile, on a related note, let me opine that the best thing about LPs isn't their high sound quality. It's their lack of it. Let me explain.

Has this ever happened to you? You’re cruising down the boulevard, listening to your favorite music on your favorite radio station, then suddenly your infotainment system goes dead. WTH? If you were driving a Mazda, this might sound all too familiar.

Constantly running from the room to check his text messages. His whispered late-night phone calls. Lipstick on his collar. Honey, even if you didn't see it, we knew hell was ready to break loose. Then last Monday, your TV and Netflix had a real blow up. I know, I know. Breaking up always breaks your heart. But I think it's better this way.

“For a number of years now, work has been proceeding in order to bring perfection to the crudely conceived idea of a machine that would not only supply inverse reactive current for use in unilateral phase detractors, but would also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal grammeters. Such a machine is the Turbo-Encabulator.”