Movie Night with Siri

Hey Siri: I feel like streaming a movie. One I haven’t already seen 50 times.

OK, D., (Siri calls me “D.”—such a literal-minded little sweetie). What are you in the mood for?

(One thing for which I’m in the mood is a personal digital assistant who doesn’t end her sentences with prepositions. That’s something folks just don’t do where I come from. Oops.)

I dunno, Siri, but it can’t have elves, dwarves, or dragons, ‘cause I’m done with all that. And no zombies, white-walkers, half-dead, mostly dead, or other cadaverous creatures, because I’m full to the gills of all those ghoulies. Anyway, I never much cared for the zombie conceit in the first place.

And no wizards, school-for or otherwise, because I actually turned 12 a few years ago.

I don’t want a flick that features fearless, martial-arts-intensive, ripped-and-toned young people working for, battling against, drawn into, or running from a shadowy quasi-governmental agency, whether evil or good. And I flat-out reject all those ones that showcase flag-waving us-against-them terrorism, because I honestly believe those movies to be counterproductively jingoist and contributory to the current toxic political climate.

It can’t involve time-travel, because movies like that give me a headache just trying to keep track of when we are. Plus they make my Apple Watch overheat. And I don’t want to sit through any that take place in a dystopian future in which fearless, eye-candy young adults battle a soulless, remorseless, anti-sex (err, -love) corporate/governmental hierarchy. Because, really? Aren’t we already there?

No googly-eyed CGI adorables, whether Disney’s or Pixar’s, and ditto the anthropomorphic animals, prehistoric or otherwise. No, I don’t care how cute they are. I totally love the high-production-value visuals, and often the audio of these films, but my kid is 20 years past that age, and it’s tough to appreciate them fully when you’re sound asleep.

No slasher films or cartoon-violence ones, because I just don’t like that stuff. (I honestly never got the whole Kill Bill thing, even though Uma Thurman is, supposedly, my second cousin or something. Third, maybe.) In fact, no Tarantino films at all, because, same answer. Ditto any Coen brothers flicks: Watching unfortunate stupid people do desperate things and laughing at them is not my idea of a good time.

For God’s sake, no more Rolling Stones concert films. If I want a freak show I’ll watch Titicut Follies.

Speaking of which, I’d really prefer if it didn’t feature a trio or quartet of AARP-eligible ex-movie stars flung together in an unlikely cohort to save the world from impending doom via natural or interstellar disaster, because while I’m fully cognizant of the demographic imperatives behind these movies, they have an unhappy way of reminding me that I’m actually the same age as their featured players but that I neither look nor feel as good. Not nearly as good. And frankly, Siri, that’s just depressing. But nothing like as depressing as the actual perils that really do confront the world, none of which even much younger and better-looking movie stars like Jennifer Lawrence or Chris Pine can do a goddam thing about. (I mean, about which they can’t do a goddam thing.)

I’d happily watch a good western or a good detective story. If they ever make another one of either genre, send me an alert.

OK, D. Good news! You have viewed The Shawshank Redemption only 47 times. Plus that time you didn't quite make it halfway, because of the fried clams.

Sigh. G’night, Siri.

G’night D.

utopianemo's picture

Daniel, if you haven't already, try Upstream Color. Then Moon. After that, good luck.