The Bawl of the Smartass TV

A customer walks into a showroom and the TV says, “Hey, big spender, come spend a little time with me.”

The customer replies, “Of all the TVs on the wall, why should I spend any time with you?”

The TV answers, “Because I’m not just any TV. I’m really smart. I not only tune channels, but I can stream, surf, download, Skype, and text, all at the same time. I speak Bluetooth. I’m Wi-Fi ready and mobile app enabled. My onboard menus display in 140 languages. My IQ’s so bright, my lumens are off the chart.”

Customer: That’s all well and good, but can you show me the big game?

Smartass TV: Are you kidding? I can show it to you in 3D. I’ve got gobs of memory to reshow any play. I can call up player stats on demand. I can bounce fans’ hoots from the stadium to your back wall and back. You want an immersive experience? I can put you in the center of the action!

Customer: But all I want is a big picture.

Smartass TV: I’m available in sizes up to 90 inches, buddy. If I were any bigger, you couldn’t get me through the door. Take me home, and I’ll install myself, even feng shui my own setup. Look at what you’re getting here: 2 million pixels. Contrast from here to infinity. A bezel you can believe in. Listen, mister, I know you’ve got good taste, deep pockets…

Customer: Hey, I’m not such a big spender, and I don’t need some TV to sweet-talk me. What I want is the sweetest deal you can offer. The TV next to you is just as big and $200 less.

Smartass TV: You don’t want that TV. That TV is so dumb, it doesn’t know a USB from a butt connector. It’s so lame, it thinks Wi-Fi is a wide fry. Look, dude, you don’t appreciate how well connected I am. I’ve got so many ports coming out of my rear that even a sailor needs a road map. I can call up Netflix, call in Facebook, pick up Pandora, pull in YouTube, you name it. I can shower you with weather, stocks, movie times; let you design a custom pizza, try on virtual shoes, get a date. I know how to upgrade myself. I’m worth every cent, man!

Customer: Look, I don’t care how smart you are. I’m not going to pay any more than what I spent on my iPad.

Smartass TV: That’s crazy talk, man! That punk has a screen that even my picture-in-picture dwarfs. My stand has more substance than that entire tablet. My display can be shared with a whole couch-load of viewers. You can scarcely get one face in front of an iPad. I’ve got built-in speakers that play to the entire room and a remote control with more buttons than you can count. What does that runt have? One squeaky speaker, one proprietary port! Give me a break. That half-pint belongs at the kiddie table.

Customer: Stop complaining. But tell me, what’s your model number, again?

Smartass TV: What are you doing, guy? Is that a smartphone you’re pulling out of your pocket?

Customer: Yeah. Just want to see if I can get a better price off the Internet.

Smartass TV: Damn it. You’re showrooming! You’re just in here to kick my tires, press my buttons, and then buy one of my brothers from some rival where they don’t even sweep the floor, turn on the lights, or pay taxes. I get it. You’re using me. You’re like all the rest of those deadbeats who come through here raising my hopes, then disappointing me with a touch to your cruel little shopping app. It’s unfair, and it isn’t right.

Customer: Sorry, Charlie. Gotta go. I just got an e-mail that my new TV is being delivered in the next two hours. Thanks for the help. See ya.

Smartass TV: Good riddance! [Sigh] Sometimes it’s depressing being so smart.

Biffstar's picture

As a consumer, I primarily care about one thing: The lowest price.

I don't owe it to megaconglomerate big-box stores (or anybody else) to pay a higher price if a cheaper price can be found elsewhere.

I personally don't feel that being able to play with a TV in-store and having some ignorant 16 year old employee try to upsell me on useless junk like extended warranties and $100 HDMI cables is worth paying a few hundred dollars extra for a TV.

Decipherbeats's picture

Any TV worth it's weight in quality and reliability most likely won't be found for much cheaper than you see on the showroom floor anyway. The margin on any respectable brand's TV isn't much these days, and most vendors/manufacturers set the pricing. So if you find the same set for cheaper, good luck with that 3 day return policy or realizing you're paying the same or more after the shipping charges get tacked on.

notabadname's picture

The 84" LG Ultra HD, for example can't be found at a brick & mortar for less than about $17,000 (MSRP of $20,000). It can be found on-line however now, at trusted and well reviewed sites, for as little as $10,500 with free shipping. I'm not sure what people think they will "get" when paying an extra $6,500 for the identical and no better warrantied product from a big-box store. Example below of physical store (ABC) versus online.

ten80pee's picture

East Coast TV's in not an authorized dealer of any television they carry. Their return policy clearly states you have five days to return the product. If it fails anytime after you sign off on it, you have to go through the manufacturer in which manu. warranties are all limited. Not that the extra $6000 justifies this, but at least with brick and mortar stores or authorized dealers you can return a defective product within the first 30 days for a brand new set. You're also talking about one of the most expensive tv's in the world. You should have looked at some other reasonably priced models that the everyday consumer buys.

"This site and the materials and products on this site are provided 'as is' and without warranties of any kind, whether express or implied."

Read East Coast TV's Terms and Conditions. I'll stick with Authorized dealers.

notabadname's picture

Best Buy's warranty is less than the munufacturer's too if you don't pay for the ridiculous warranty program. No matter where we purchase, we all find ourselves on the manufacturer warranty normally before our item fails. My American Express provides warranty coverage too and purchase protection if seller sends a lemon, as does that site, for a fee (which is a pittance of the price savings and actually more affordable after you've saved $6,000 than buying a brick and mortar warranty plus full price). And for a solid state device such as this, it either works when you turn it on or it doesn't IMO. I have purchased many a product (subwoofer, speakers, appliances, watches, computers, TVs - including my soon to be replaced 70 inch RPTV LCOS display 7 years ago), and have still had zero problems - ever. Go with top reviewed sites and eBay sellers, and you will literally save thousands over the years. While they may not all be as significant as this savings example, they are normally 20% off or better. And on a TV where I save $6,000 dollars, I could pay a tech $200 per hour for a 6 hour visit, replace $1,000 in parts and still come out $3,800 ahead - with zero regrets in my non-brick & motar purchase decision.

And we havent even talked about shipping, in this case free, and normally not free from brick and mortar, even if local. we dont all own trucks to bring home a 200 pound 84" inch screen. It is your money though, and you are free to pay all you like to stick with your "authorized" dealers.

labnewf's picture

Lol @ the Smart ass tv. With my recent experiences shopping for one of these I could not help but laugh reading this article. I am moving from a rear projection model and this will be my first flat screen model. Between the reviews , the overbearing under informed sales people and the panic stricken fan boys on some of the forums I was a wreck wondering which way I should go. Very witty and well written
Thanks very much.

Decipherbeats's picture

Thank you, ten80pee. At the moment 4K TVs have huge profit margins, due to their novelty, and if a resaler wants they can massively undercut the competition. I was mistaken though... 5 days, not 3.