Super Awesome Happy Headphones
One of them looks like bacon.
These pink earmuff-style headphones feature adorable bear faces that have blood dripping from their mouths.
Geoff: aka Bloodthirsty Bears, aka Bleeding Pink WTFs. I like them. They combine my loves of headphones and scaring the crap out of small children.
Lauren: Is this a Twilight thing? Vampire bear? They… I just… no. No, we need to burn them. Now. Before they harm anyone else. While they sleep.
The Takara Transformers Headphones actually transform into two robots.
Geoff: BLASPHEMY. These are almost as bad as those “movies” that came out a few years ago.
Lauren: Are you kidding? They’re *literally* transformers. It’s like having Soundwave’s little brother on your head. (by the way, I always wanted a Soundwave boom box in the 80s and never got one) It’s kinda fantastic. These make me giddy and happy. I’ll take two please.
Relive your analog days with headphones that try to remind you of your analog days.
Geoff: The irony here is, these headphones will never be plugged into anything that can actually play a cassette.
Lauren: I think they missed an opportunity to brand these as Laserbeak and Rumble. That said, do kids even know what cassettes are these days? If so, I want 8 track headphones. Or wax cylinders. Wait no, that could get messy.
Hello Kitty Decal and Headphones Kit (Image at top)
Hello Kitty headphones. Hello. Kitty. Headphones.
Lauren: This is everything that is wrong with kawaii culture in America. It just doesn’t work unless you live in Harijuku. Or are 5. Which, by the way, would mean these headphones wouldn’t fit you.
Geoff: I don’t think you understand. The stickers come with headphones. Bought. They fit me PERFECT. I’m wearing these to CES.
Lauren: I’m bringing all the cameras I have to document this.
Geoff: Sadly, it won’t be the most embarrassing thing I’ve done at CES.
Speaking of Japan (sort of), how about sushi-themed earbud?
Geoff: OK, not really sushi, that’s a roll. Also, what is that roll, salmon and avocado? Is the green thing asparagus? Asparagus is disgusting.
Lauren: You know, Green things are your friends...Wait...Geoff….OMG. It’s looking at me.
Lauren: The box, the headphones, IT’S A FACE.
Geoff: Jeebus, now I can’t unsee it.
Lauren: Make the bad thing go away.
A legendary audio reviewer once opined that a certain set of speakers had “chocolaty smooth midrange.” Clearly these take that to a whole new level.
:::Lauren starts snickering:::
Geoff: They don’t taste like chocolate. In fact, they kinda look like...
Lauren: Heh, heh. Poop. These headphones are the Shiz. They beat the crap out of the competition. These are my #2 favorites of all time. It was my doody to review them. I guano wear them all the time. Okay, one more then I’m dung with it: buy them, if it’s the last thing you do do. Tee hee.
Geoff: That just happened.
SpongeBob SquarePants Headphones/Laplander Knit Cap (Image at top)
A knit hat with built-in headphones.
Geoff: Wearing this makes me feel like everyone should call me Heidi. Also, it freaks me out.
Lauren: Wait. It’s a hat, and headphones? WIN! I’m always chilly. Now my music can keep me warm figuratively and literally. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? My ears!
Geoff: The eyes. They keep looking at me. They can see my soul.
Lauren: Hmm. Maybe I should wear these to CES. Keep you honest. “Look at Spongebob’s eyes, and say that, Geoff.”
Geoff: After two drinks I think most people would prefer me less honest.
OMG DOMO KUN.
Geoff: There is nothing negative to say about these. Anyone who says otherwise is WRONG.
Lauren: Eeeeeeeeeeeeee. It’s. Domo. I LOVE HIM! I have a stuffed version of him on my bookshelf, next to the projector screen. I dress him up for holidays. He has a rabbit suit, antlers, and yoda ears. And I just got an ornament of him in a space suit. Astronaut Domo. HE CAN DO ANYTHING. I seriously want these. I don’t care how they sound, or if uttering that phrase ruins my career. Domo has this affect on me, and if that's wrong, I don’t want to be right. Someone buy these for me right now.
The manufacturer claims these are “perfect for children or pig enthusiast.” They're highly functional with a retractable cord.
Geoff: What is a “pig enthusiast”? Actually, I don’t want to know. I have to admit, it’s pretty clever it’s the pig’s head on one side, and the butt on the other. The potential for lame jokes is high: pig headed, somethingsomething sow’s ear, is that a pig’s ass on your head? That last one is just accurate.
Lauren: This is the stuff vegan nightmares are made of. And really? Just a butt? There are no words.
Geoff: I would have figured vegan nightmares would be made of soy.
Lauren: Guess what?
Lauren: Pig butt.
Geoff: This is getting out of hand.
If you prefer your foul and sus of the more cooked variety, Ankit has you covered.
Geoff: Too much sizzle.
Lauren: *eyeroll* Let me guess, it’s bacon, so you love it.
Geoff: Everyone loves bacon. EVERYONE.
Lauren: I hate you sometimes, you know that?
Geoff: You didn’t say don’t love bacon.
So, greatest headphones in the world, or greatest headphones in the universe?