TECH2

I watched Adam Sandler’s latest fiction product, Pixels, and I have an opinion about it.

So do a lot of other people. I link to a few of them too.

Unique among American viewers, I saw Pixels in Brazil. It was in English, without subtitles. That in itself was interesting, showing that a lot of comedy (even the “comedy” shown in this “film”) is often universal. A few jokes landed to silence, like one about JFK, which was certainly to be expected.

With this audience there were a few chuckles. I never laughed, but I snorted twice.

Adam Sandler Doesn’t Make Movies
You know what, I’m not even going to bother reviewing Pixels. Forget it, there’s no point. The problem isn’t that it’s a bad movie. Bad movies can be fun. It’s that it’s boring. A big steaming pile of who gives a crap. There are no jokes, just predictable and uncreative references. I was hoping to really hate this movie, but I can’t even get the energy to do that.

I don’t, and have never, found Adam Sandler funny. He made three OK movies in the 90s, and has coasted on mediocrity ever since. Pixels, at least, has the polish of a real movie, even if the script and direction were so lazy and bland it’s like a beige Toyota Camry crapping out a Chuck Lorre sitcom.

Many claim Sandler is now a scam artist, using movies to fleece unsuspecting moviegoers to line the pockets of him and his friends. Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s exactly what he’s doing, I just don’t think it’s a scam. Movies are a business, and he creates a Minimally Acceptable Product for a set price, which makes him and the studio that bankrolled it a reasonable amount of money.

Check out this 538 article. His movies cost $80 million (mindblowingly). They make between $250-300 million. Always. It doesn’t matter what the script is. It doesn't matter if it’s well reviewed. It doesn’t even matter if people like it. They always make money.

Let me put it a different way. If I knew I could give you $80, and you’d record you and your friends smearing feces on a wall, but that would make me $300, I’d do it. So would you. Wouldn’t you craft that movie, let’s call it some random name, like Jack and Jill, in such a way that it would let you keep as much of the $80 as possible? Wouldn’t you include as much product placement as each shot could handle to make you even more money?

I’ve lived in LA far too long to think of Hollywood as anything but a business (which isn’t to say art can’t come from it, but that’s a different discussion). My issue, and I think deep down this is many critics' issue, is that Sandler clearly don’t give a flying frak. It’s not that he doesn’t care he’s taking people’s money, it’s that he doesn’t care to make a decent movie.

Pixels, and nearly every Sandler movie, reeks of insipid laziness. No one cared if the script was funny. No one cared if the characters were interesting. No one cared if the plot was compelling. No one cared if a women in the movie was handed over as a literal trophy. The idea behind Pixels could have made a fun movie. Instead, there’s occasionally some marginally amusing CG, and 100 minutes of meh.

I think of what I could do with $80 million and studio backing. I think of what so many more talented writers, directors, and actors could do with what Adam Sandler is… if not squandering, at least not caring about. That’s not to say I or we would be able to make a studio a guaranteed return. I’m saying that Sandler could make a good movie with the power he’s got, and he chooses not to.

And that makes me said.

So here, watch this instead. It’s way funnier than the movie, is insightful, and uses lots of wonderfully creative swearing: