What Is Monster Selling?
What, exactly, are they selling here?
Is this just a poor choice of marketing imagery, or something else?
Lauren and Geoff decide to ponder the finer points of Monster’s new headphone marketing.
Geoff: I guess I really just don’t get it. It’s a new line of “sports” headphones, yet their main image doesn’t say anything “sports” to me.
Lauren: No. No, it does not. :::raises eyebrow::: I’m getting a feeling this is tied to the Monster press conference at CES. You know, with all the models walking the catwalk wearing headphones? Attached to nothing? And where I learned all about the height, dating status, and how much Shaq liked one of the models, but nothing about the small Bluetooth speaker he was holding other than “size matters?”
Geoff: Easy… go to your happy place. Breathe…
Lauren: Okay. I’m there. Deep breath in... and out. Sorry. I’m back.
Geoff: And why is she wearing a wedding ring? Isn’t marketing supposed to be aspirational? I mean besides her whole “get away from me” vibe, implying she’s married seems an odd choice.
Lauren: I don’t think it’s a wedding ring, unless it’s an alternative sapphire wedding ring, but either way, I think it’s to show she has lots of the moneys and blings. And she is so uninterested in you, by looking away, it implies that she’s super cool.
Geoff: Yep, nothing I find cooler than the disaffected stare of a woman who won't talk to me. Gee, makes me want those headphones as much as the same attitude makes me not want to shop at Abercrombie.
Geoff: That is the strangest bathing suit I have ever seen.
Lauren: I don’t think you’re supposed to bathe in it.
Geoff: Not to get into a semantic argument, but then is it still a bathing suit?
Lauren: They call them that, but I’d more call them a “poolside suit” or a “sunning” suit. Either way, not very practical or sporty.
Geoff: OK, there’s just all sorts of conflict here. She’s wearing a unbathing suit… and a jacket? Is it cold? Where was she going that she’d need a jacket like that… and that bathing suit.
Lauren: Well, to be fair, lots of folks wear cover ups on the way to the beach or pool. But she can’t wear these headphones to swim! So why is this featured? Unless she is planning on bringing back the 80s leotard look? You think that’s it?
Geoff: I’d look great in a leopard-print leotard PICTURE IT. YOU CAN’T NOT PICTURE IT.
Lauren: :::shrieking::: OMG BLEACH MY BRAIN!
Geoff: Oh, right, the headphones. I don’t sports, but if I was running from something I don’t think I’d want giant cans on my head.
Lauren: Maybe if you’re just lifting… but, she doesn’t strike me as someone about to hit the free weights.
Geoff: I set you up perfectly for a "cans" joke and you just… I don’t even know who you are anymore.
Lauren: There is too much rage in my heart for laughter now.
Geoff: You go to the gyms, right? I don’t know what you do there, but is hair like this normal? I have literally no basis of knowledge about anything in that question.
Lauren: Only if you’re going to be seen and photographed by the paparazzi there. Otherwise, this look will last her approximately 5 minutes in a real workout. Everything will melt and she’ll look like a sad, wet 1950s clown.
Geoff: So, if I buy iSport headphones, I too can look like a sad, wet 1950s clown at the gym? This is a selling point.
Geoff: And now I can’t stop picturing a gym full of sad, wet, 1950’s clowns... AND ME IN MY LEOPARD LEOTARD.
Geoff: The only other photo on the main page is a guy who looks like he just came in from the rain.
Lauren: At least with him, I buy that he’s going to the gym.
Geoff: He’s got a Mona Lisa thing happening. Is he mad? Is he about to smile? Seriously, why is he wet?
Lauren: He is gaping into the depths of my eternal soul. And… sweating. Or, freshly showered while dressed.
Geoff: I got it! The woman at the top is looking at this guy!
Lauren: Her expression is of that of someone who just “smelt it.” Has he… “dealt it?”
Geoff: Maybe she’s wondering why he’s all wet too. At least those headphones are “Water resistant, sweat-proof, and cleanable for everyday use.”
Lauren: Based on what I’ve seen some people do at the gym, I want them to be Lysol-proof and flame retardant, too.
Lauren: For the record, any of the people from the center video would have been a far better choice as a lead visual, IMHO. I like to see products being used, showing off their practicality rather than relying on played-out sexist tropes. But, I suppose this is why I’m not in marketing, and have to resort to confronting sexism with fart jokes.
Geoff: Be fair, everything should be confronted with fart jokes.